I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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