hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Pappa wants mamma naked
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
