How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
