I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
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