oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
