I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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