Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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