Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
