Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
