thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
