2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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