Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
