My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
