Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
