I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
