watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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