made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
