I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
