I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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