just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
