Your face is a jimmy john
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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