my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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