This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize
