White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
