I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
