Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
