Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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