SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
