If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
