Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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