Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
