I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
