The maid of honor just puked.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
