I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
