So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
