so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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