i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
