a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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