I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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