I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
