i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I enjoy the company of your penis
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
