I'm going to jail i love you
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
