Betty ford says i'm here all night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
