when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I showed him my bush... on skype.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
