i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
