dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
