I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
