I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
