Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
