So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I love you. Go after that dick
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
