drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
